After the pew doors opened to release the guests, a woman shrieked, “He is a liar! He comes to church and appears righteous, but at home he is violent toward me. He is a wicked man.” The member care director and I took Betty aside and asked her to share more. She talked about his temper and pornography addiction.
Embarrassed by the public accusations, her husband approached a church leader and tried to explain that he loves his wife and has tried his best to point her to Jesus. He stated that he has sexual needs that he felt were not being satisfied due to his wife’s chronic medical condition that keeps her from being intimate. He said he encourages her to read the Bible daily and pray, but she refuses. Her refusal to engage in spiritual practices and the lack of intimacy frustrate him. He has tried to control his temper, but sometimes he cannot control his frustration and can be verbally abusive.
Betty and Darren met and married at my church in China ten years ago. Betty expressed that she felt she was tricked into this marriage of rules without grace from a man who claims to be self-righteous, but his character is far from that. Since then, church leaders have tried to support Darren and Betty separately. They still live in the same home and are raising their children. Betty sporadically attends Sunday service, while Darren rarely misses a Sunday.
In Chinese culture, it is challenging to bring domestic violence into the light. The saying jiāchǒu bùkě wàiyáng (家丑不可外扬)—“don’t air your dirty laundry in public”— influences not just society, but also the local church, where mercy is emphasized over confrontation.
While this culture is challenging to change, other regions outside of mainland China with strong Chinese culture—for example Taiwan and Hong Kong—have changed their views that bystanders are responsible for reporting incidents. I once asked people on the street of this region of the Mainland how they would respond if they were to witness abuse on public streets. They responded, “If you are hit once, it will definitely happen again so the public needs to be responsible and call [###] to report abuse. The police are required to show up and there are shelters available.” If this region, where the Chinese cultural belief of not airing dirty laundry is still strong can change its views, then I am hopeful that mainland China’s mainstream culture can also change.
Ten-Year Anniversary and Still Not Known
It will soon be ten years since China’s Anti-Domestic Violence Law1 first came into effect in 2016. When I share with others about my burden for survivors of domestic violence, one in three listeners will share their own experience of domestic abuse—parental abuse or spousal abuse—or know a family member or friend who has experienced abuse. Then, I follow up with them about whether they know it is illegal. About one in eight listeners will know that there is an anti-domestic violence law that puts responsibility onto society, schools, and employers to report and discipline the abuser—not to mention that there is a protection order that can be obtained. One in 20 will know about China’s Child Protection Law2 that was put into effect in 2012 that now requires parents to be physically responsible for their child’s wellbeing and guardianship can be removed from the parent. We know awareness is low when, in metropolitan cities of 25 million, fewer than 100 applications per year are submitted to the Family Judicial Courts.
How does God view this family issue?
“‘I hate divorce,’ says the Lord God of Israel, ‘and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment.’ Says the Lord Almighty. ‘So, guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith’” (Malachi 2:16).
How do we walk alongside our brothers and sisters who are experiencing domestic abuse so that their spirits are guarded and they do not lose faith?
Ways to Pray
Please pray for the Chinese church to be discerning in how they walk alongside survivors of domestic violence.
- Balance of preserving the marriage and the safety of every family member—both of which God hates—divorce and violence.
- Abide by the laws and remain faithful to biblical principles.
- Involvement of more brothers, sisters, and churches and more resources to be developed to support survivors—minors and adults—for example: pro bono legal support, career development for financial independence, mental health counseling, shelters, and financial support.
- Early intervention for families caught in cycles of violence—for example: healthy parenting, healthy dating relationships, valuing of self, and timely counseling for children who experience trauma.
Thank you for lifting up in prayer the many pastors, brothers, and sisters who encounter these difficult situations. We all need God’s wisdom and compassion to discern the most appropriate way to support survivors and reflect Christ’s love in word and deed.
Editor’s note: All names in this article have been changed to protect the individuals involved.
- Anti–Domestic Violence Law of the People’s Republic of China, promulgated December 28, 2015, https://www.gov.cn/zhengce/2015-12/28/content_5029898.htm.
- Law of the People’s Republic of China on the Protection of Minors (2012).
